{Episode 100} Why am I always so overwhelmed? Understanding mum overwhelm and the mental load
If you’re a mum who feels like you’re constantly juggling a million things, with a never-ending to-do list and a brain that just won’t switch off, I want you to know something.
You’re not failing. And you don’t necessarily need to get better at managing your time. Sometimes, the reason you’re feeling so overwhelmed goes much deeper than how much you have to do. Between looking after the children, keeping on top of the house, remembering appointments, managing school life, working, and trying to maintain some semblance of a life of your own, it’s hardly surprising that so many mums feel like they’re running on empty.
And yet, how often do we respond to that feeling by trying to do even more?
We download another planner, create another to-do list, promise ourselves we’ll get up earlier or decide that next week we’ll finally get our act together. However, what if the answer isn’t about doing more, trying harder, or becoming a more organised version of yourself?
What if it’s about understanding what’s really behind your overwhelm in the first place?
That’s exactly what I explore in my Reclaiming Mum podcast episode, From Overwhelmed to Clear: What’s Really Behind Mum Overwhelm, where I look at the three layers of overwhelm and why understanding them can be the first step towards feeling clearer and more in control.
Why do mums feel so overwhelmed?
Motherhood comes with a lot to think about. It’s not just the things we physically do; it’s everything we’re responsible for remembering, organising, anticipating, and holding together behind the scenes.
It’s knowing when the PE kit needs washing, remembering to book the dentist, planning meals, keeping track of school emails, thinking about birthdays, managing everyone’s emotions and somehow trying to remember what you needed from the supermarket. And that’s before you add work, relationships, finances, your own health and the million other things that make up everyday life.
As a mum of four, I know how quickly all these things can pile up, but I’ve also come to recognise that overwhelm isn’t always just about the number of things on our plates.
Sometimes, it’s about the mental load we’re carrying. Sometimes, it’s the expectations we place on ourselves. And sometimes, it’s the difficulty we have saying no, asking for help, or accepting that we simply cannot do everything. When we only focus on the practical tasks, we can miss the things that are keeping us feeling overwhelmed.
That’s why I find it helpful to look at overwhelm through three different layers.
The three layers of overwhelm
1. What you’re doing: the things filling up your days
Let’s start with the most obvious layer.
What are you actually doing? Think about all the tasks, responsibilities, and commitments taking up your time and energy.
Perhaps you’re juggling work with school runs, keeping on top of the house, managing family life, looking after the children and trying to fit in all the other things that need doing.
Maybe you’re the person everyone turns to when something needs organising or sorting out. You might have so many commitments that there genuinely aren’t enough hours in the day.
When we feel overwhelmed, it’s natural to look at this list and think we need to become more productive. We try to squeeze more into the day, find ways to work faster or organise everything a little better, and sometimes, practical changes can absolutely help.
But it’s also worth asking yourself a different question: does everything on your list actually need to be there?
Are there commitments you’ve taken on that you no longer have the capacity for? Are you doing things because they’re genuinely important to you, or because you feel you should? Could something be delegated, simplified, postponed or dropped altogether?
Sometimes, the most helpful thing we can do isn’t to find a way to fit more in. It’s to recognise that we’re asking too much of ourselves in the first place. You don’t have to keep every plate spinning just because you’ve always been the person who does.
2. What you’re carrying: the mental load of motherhood
This is the layer that can be much harder to see.
Because even when you’re sitting down, you might not actually be resting. Your body might be still, but your brain is busy thinking about what needs doing tomorrow, whether you’ve replied to that message, what everyone needs for the weekend, and the thing you’ve been meaning to sort out for weeks.
This is the mental load: the remembering, planning, anticipating and organising that keeps family life moving.
For many mums, there’s also an emotional load. We’re thinking about how the children are feeling, whether we’re giving everyone enough attention, how to keep everyone happy, and whether we’re getting things right.
We’re often anticipating problems before they happen and trying to make life run smoothly for everyone else.
The difficult thing is that this work can be almost invisible. Other people might see you sitting on the sofa, but they don’t necessarily see everything you’re mentally keeping track of.
And when your mind is constantly occupied, it’s difficult to switch off, feel present, or find the headspace to think about what you need.
So, what can help? Start by recognising the things you’re carrying that other people might not see.
You could write down everything that’s taking up space in your head, from the practical jobs to the things you’re worrying about or trying to remember. Not because you need another list of things to do, but because sometimes we need to get everything out of our heads before we can see what’s actually going on.
Then ask yourself: what genuinely needs my attention, what could someone else take responsibility for, and what am I carrying that perhaps isn’t mine to carry alone?
You don’t have to be the person who remembers, plans, and anticipates absolutely everything, and you don’t have to wait until you’re completely exhausted before you ask for more support.
3. What you’re believing: the expectations and ‘shoulds’ keeping you stuck
This is the layer we can so easily overlook because sometimes, it’s not just what we’re doing or what we’re carrying that’s contributing to our overwhelm. It’s what we believe about what it means to be a good mum, a good partner, or a successful woman.
Things like:
- I should be able to manage all of this.
- I can’t say no because I’ll let someone down.
- A good mum would put her children first, always.
- I should be grateful for what I’ve got, so I shouldn’t complain.
- If I want something for myself, I’m being selfish.
- It’s easier to do it myself than ask someone else for help.
- I should be able to do everything I’ve always done, even though my circumstances have changed.
Do any of those feel familiar? These beliefs can influence the decisions we make every day, often without us even realising it.
We agree to things we don’t have the capacity for. We take responsibility for things other people could manage. We push through when we need a break. We feel guilty when we take time for ourselves and before we know it, we’re overwhelmed not only by everything we’re doing, but by the pressure we’ve placed on ourselves to do it all.
The tricky thing is that these beliefs can feel like facts, but just because you’ve always believed something doesn’t mean you have to keep living by it.
One question I often find helpful is this:
Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or because I believe I should?
It’s a small question, but it can open up a lot of space to think differently about your choices.
You might discover that some of the expectations you’re trying to meet aren’t even expectations anyone else has placed on you. They’re rules you’ve created for yourself, and once you start recognising those rules, you can begin to question whether they still serve you.
What can you do when you’re feeling overwhelmed as a mum?
Understanding your overwhelm is important, but you might also be wondering where to start if you’re already feeling stretched. You don’t need to overhaul your entire life overnight. In fact, adding another big self-improvement project to your already-full plate probably isn’t going to help.
Instead, start small.
1. Get honest about how you’re feeling
Rather than telling yourself you just need to get on with it, give yourself a moment to acknowledge what’s happening.
Are you physically exhausted? Mentally overloaded? Feeling pulled in too many directions? Frustrated because you have no time for yourself?
You don’t need to judge your feelings or immediately find a solution. Just recognising what you’re experiencing can be a helpful starting point.
2. Look at what’s taking up your energy
Think about the things you’re doing, the things you’re carrying, and the expectations you’re trying to meet.
Which of these is contributing most to how you’re feeling right now?
You might not be able to change everything, but identifying one area where you need more support or a little breathing space can help you work out what to tackle first.
3. Give yourself permission to do things differently
You don’t have to keep doing things the way you’ve always done them.
Maybe you need to lower your expectations of what a tidy house looks like. Maybe you need to say no to a commitment. Maybe you need to ask your partner to take full responsibility for something rather than managing it yourself.
Or perhaps you need to acknowledge that the way you’ve been doing things simply isn’t working for you anymore.
You are allowed to change your mind, adjust your priorities, and find a way of living that works for the season of life you’re in now.
4. Stop making yourself the problem
When we’re overwhelmed, it’s easy to turn the frustration inwards. We tell ourselves we’re disorganised, we’re not coping as well as everyone else or we should be able to handle more.
Struggling under the weight of too many responsibilities doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Sometimes, it means there is too much expected of you. Sometimes, you need more support. Sometimes, you need to look at the boundaries, expectations, and patterns that have brought you to this point.
You don’t have to blame yourself for feeling overwhelmed before you’re allowed to make changes.
5. Remember that your needs matter too
It’s easy to put yourself at the bottom of the list when everyone else seems to need something from you, but your wellbeing matters, too.
Your interests, ambitions, relationships, energy, and the things that make you feel like you are you still deserve space in your life. You don’t need to wait until the children are older, work is quieter or life magically becomes less busy before you start thinking about what you need.
You can begin making room for yourself now, even if that starts with small changes.
You don’t have to figure it all out on your own
Sometimes, reading advice or listening to a podcast can help you recognise what’s happening. You might suddenly see a pattern you hadn’t noticed before or realise that something you’ve been struggling with isn’t simply a personal failing, but understanding the problem and knowing how to change things in your own life aren’t always the same thing.
When you’re in the thick of it, it can be difficult to see what needs to change, especially when you’re so used to being the person who keeps everything going. This is where having space to talk things through can be valuable.
As a Clarity and Confidence Coach for Mums, I support women who feel stuck, overwhelmed, or disconnected from themselves to untangle their thoughts, understand what’s holding them back, and work out what they want to do next.
My approach isn’t about giving you another list of things you should be doing or telling you to manage your time better. It’s about helping you understand what’s going on for you, reconnect with what matters, and find a way forward that feels right for your life.
If you’d like to explore this for yourself, you’re welcome to book a free Clarity Call with me.
It’s a relaxed, 30-minute conversation where we can talk about what’s going on for you, what you’d like to change, and whether working together might be a good fit. It’s not a coaching session, and there’s no pressure to commit to anything.
Book your free Clarity Discovery Call here.
Listen to the From Overwhelmed to Clear podcast episode
If you’d like to explore these ideas a little further, I’ve also shared my From Overwhelmed to Clear workshop as an episode of my podcast, Reclaiming Mum.
In the episode, I walk you through the three layers of overwhelm, helping you look beyond the obvious to-do list and consider the mental load, beliefs, and expectations that might be contributing to how you’re feeling.
It’s a chance to pause, reflect, and start looking at your overwhelm with a little more understanding and a little less self-criticism.
Listen to the Reclaiming MUM podcast on AppleiTunes or on Spotify
If you’re a mum who feels like she’s constantly holding everything together, I hope you take this as a gentle reminder that you don’t have to keep pushing through in the same way.
You don’t have to do everything; you don’t have to be everything to everyone, and you don’t have to wait until you’re at breaking point before you give yourself permission to make a change.
Sometimes, the first step towards feeling less overwhelmed isn’t doing anything at all. It’s pausing long enough to understand what’s really going on, and from there, you can begin to work out what needs to change, what support you need, and what a life that feels a little lighter might look like for you.
Want a little more support, encouragement, and behind-the-scenes mum chaos? Find me on Instagram!
I share a mix of real-life mum moments, simple self-care tips, and little nuggets of coaching wisdom on my Instagram every day. Think behind-the-scenes of life with four spirited kids, practical ways to feel calmer, and gentle reminders to prioritise you without guilt. If you’d like a daily dose of inspiration, laughter, and encouragement for navigating this messy, beautiful mum life, come and join me over on Instagram. I’d love to connect with you there!
