The past few months have felt a little uneasy for me and thrown up a couple of revelations that I’ve been working through. Bubbling in my head are so many ideas, it’s like my mind just won’t stop. If you were to ask anyone in my close inner circle they can attest for my idea sprouting brain – I’m always looking ahead and onto the next thing.
Despite my eagerness to push myself and move forward, there is always one thing that’s holding me back. I’m a creature of comfort and I do thrive on routine and knowing what’s coming next. When something is about to push me out of my comfort zone or bring about a massive change then I retreat back to safety because it feels safer than the unknown ahead. So you could say that the one block that is stopping me from growing is me.
I found the irony of this realisation enlightening and wanted to explore it more, dig deep and discover why I was getting in my own way. First things first, one of my own mental battles, is not believing that I’m ready or worthy. It’s something that always crops up for me and brings up a lot of anxious feelings. In hindsight, I guess there is an element of people pleasing going on here, a strong desire to be liked and a deep fear of rejection. I think this stems from my introverted nature, I find it difficult to make friends and at times socially awkward, so when I do ‘put myself out there‘ I want everything to just click straight away to make the process easier. It’s left me feeling all kinds of vulnerability and being a little unkind to myself in the process. Not a great place to be in and it also fuelled my imposter syndrome because again I wasn’t practicing what I preach through my work and message to those that I want to inspire and support.
I know my fears will, in the end, stop me from achieving my dreams. It shows itself in many disguises and a lot of the time it basically comes down to my launching my coaching business and other projects I want to get started on. I’d been too scared to put pen to paper and jotting down my ideas, and afraid that maybe no one will like what I put out there and it created a complete creative block for me.
For about 18 months I’d played with the idea of studying with Integrative Nutrition to become a certified health coach, due to low self-esteem issues and worrying about what I had to offer wasn’t good enough. However, something inside me last year just decided to take that leap of faith into the unknown and simply begin. It’s the best thing that I’ve honestly done and I’ve never looked back. When I made that phone call to register I was feeling so nervous thinking “what if this is the biggest mistake EVER?” and “what if it doesn’t work out?,” however I stayed on the phone anyway. It was completely painless and I’m loving the course and due to graduate in September.
Now I learned a lot from this one phone call. Even though I didn’t wholeheartedly feel ready to take that leap or feel that I was good enough for the job, it turned out to be the most amazing experience. One thing that really helped me is visualising that everything was going to be crazy successful and it’s been a magical eye-opener. Normally I let the fear and my inner critic take over, focusing on what could go wrong and the what ifs?, but shifting my mindset and just going for it anyway really felt so good and something that I always try to encourage when change or growth is on the horizon.
Working through these emotions has led to a deep self-discovery and finding my truth. In some ways, I’m thankful for this process because without them I wouldn’t be on the path that I’m on now. I’m always going to have fears because that’s just human nature and I think it actually shows that I’m passionate about my work and my message. Going forward, regardless of what the song in my head is playing, I’m going to take that leap of faith, see what happens and believe in the power of now.
I am always full of self doubt and always think I am not good enough. But over the last few months I have been pushing myself a little and trying not to care about what others may think of me.
I could do with some of this working through stuff and trying to clear my mind.
I do worry that I’m not good enough sometimes but I’m trying to push myself more, good on you for doing the course x
Thank you! I think we all go through these phases of fear and worry, but its great to hear that you are pushing through it.
This was a really interesting read. It is always good to reflect and refocus, so that you head in the right direction x
So true! I always try to make time for a little reflection to make sure I’m heading in the right direction and everything still feels aligned.
Ah I love this. Self belief is such a strong force and motivator. For me, meditation has helped immensely in this way. I wish you well on your journey to becoming a health coach. I’m sure you’ll be wonderful. Polly x
Oh, meditation is such a great tool to have access to. I love it to bring some peaceful focus to my life depending on what I need at that time.
this really resonates as I’m also a very introverted person – thanks for sharing
I’m so glad this came at the right time for you!
I love this. When you mention moving forward regardless of the song playing in your head. I was watching Ruby Wax talk about her struggles with mental health recently, and she described these various thoughts with track numbers. So she’d think to herself “Oh, that’s track number 48, I don’t like that one. Let’s skip it”, rather than getting wrapped up with the thought. Not sure I explain that as well as she did though. lol
I started my own mindfulness journey when I started getting severe panic attacks last year. It’s changed my life beyond words. Lighting a candle once a day, Meditating and really paying attention to where my focus is going makes so much difference. And it’s so easy we overlook it. You’re right though I think. A lot of thes negative thought patterns just come down to human behaviour. I’m so glad we’ve developed these tools to help us through though!
Love the Ruby Wax tool that you picked up from her! Totally get it. I also think it’s great that you’re so in tune with what works for you and recognising when you need to up your self care practices.
I think we can be our own worse enemy from time to time. We sometimes don’t have that belief because we are so worried at failing but someone at work said to me there’s no such thing as failure, because at least you’ve tried! So good on you!
I love that, such great advice. I totally agree we can learn so much from our mistakes.