Sometimes I feel like being a parent is like a double-edged sword. Women in general, tend to be ones that are looked upon to hold things together and keep things running smoothly at home while juggling several balls at once – no disrespect to men by the way because you are also doing a rocking job, but I’m focusing on us mamas today! Let it be known that I absolutely love being a mum, Aiden is a delight and completely enriched our lives for the better. Spending quality time with him is what life’s about, he really is a special little man. With as much love as I have for my little boy, equally, I love being able to work and do my own thing too.
This post by Kathleen (she’s pretty awesome btw!) couldn’t have put it any more perfectly and practically expressed exactly how I have and still feel, everything in this post just makes sense to me. It’s not a topic that is spoken about often, but needs to be, so I’m sharing my own personal experiences with you on the blog today because I think that it’s an important topic to ‘get out there.’
The week leading up to Aiden’s first day at nursery was filled with sheer elation and excitement for me, and on the day I was close to popping open a bottle of champagne. Other mums that I’d spoken to are filled with dread on their baby’s first day in someone else’s care. Don’t get me wrong, I had done my research and our chosen nursery had come with gleaming reviews and recommendations from other mums and I knew we had picked a great place on our tour and settling in sessions. This was probably perhaps why I was so comfortable with dropping him off that first day and the fact I had finally opened up some space to be myself.
I know how incredibly lucky I am that I’m able to work from home and see my baby grow while earning some money too. However, it’s not as dreamy as it sounds and I know some of you can relate, running a small business with a little person at home is challenging. You work to their schedule rather than your own – super early mornings, working through nap times and late nights at the computer are common. It’s gruelling, tiring and exhausting and 18-months in I was done.
Honestly, I’m not even sure how I had managed to last that long. Just like most things when you’re a parent you just carry on because you have no other choice. Whether you’re sleep deprived (I always am at the moment!), ill, or simply want to put two-fingers up to starting the day, your little person comes first and foremost and everything else slots in between. When I was pregnant it dawned on me that I would need to make some time for myself and my blog and business is exactly that. Time for me to do what I absolutely love doing that doesn’t involve being a parent.
Being a mum and running a business are not mutually exclusive, you can do both equally well. But I needed to work, for my family and even more importantly for my sanity. It may sound selfish to some, but sometimes you have to put yourself first before everything else in your life and my work was that. I’m constantly haunted by the guilt about having a burning need to do something that isn’t parenting and I don’t think that it will ever go away. I feel selfish that I put my baby in nursery just so that I could follow my dreams, but I needed this in fact I think we both did.
What is helping with battling the mama guilt is seeing how much Aiden has flourished since starting nursery. He’s much more open around strangers and his language skills are amazing for his age. Everyone is impressed with him and how well he is coming on. Only now I’m starting to feel like me again have a vibrancy and eagerness for life than never before. Pregnancy and mamahood understandably takes up so much of you that you barely have anything left for yourself. Even though I’m racked with mama guilt, it has also given me the gift of rejuvenation and the space to be the whole version of me.
I’m so grateful for my little blog and you guys! Without both, I’m not sure I would have made it this far because being a parent can be incredibly isolating, especially with no family close by. It can feel like you’re the only one going through these challenges. I wanted to be honest in the hope that by sharing my story it might resonate with others out there going through the same thing.
Just like Kathleen expressed in her post, ‘there is no happy ending to this post.’ I’m very much in the thick of it and struggle each day, especially with Aiden’s 5 am wake-up calls. As all you mums know, being a parent is hard work and we never feel like we get it right. We muddle through and settle with the fact that we’ve tried our best and there is nothing wrong with that.
I had horrendous mama guilt due to fighting post natal depression for Joe’s first 18 months, mood swings, lack of energy and trying to get better all made me feel like a terrible mom, 6 years down the line I know I did my best in a challenging situation.x
As a non-parent, this was a really interesting read for me – I think being around other children in nursery (as I was as a child) is actually really good for their development – meeting other children develops their social skills for sure.
I echo your sentiments exactly. It is a struggle being a working mum and juggling comes withthe package. We should never feel guilty about putting ourselves first sometimes and it is only ever sometimes – the fact we’ve had kids is evidence we’re not selfish. We should never feel guilty about wanting to continue with a career. I think it’s good for kids to see mum working – a positive role model and all of that. Yes, we’re mothers and we do take that responsibiligy seriously but first and foremost we are people too and we have a right to lead a full and fulfilling life just like everyone else. Tx
I don’t think it is selfish at all. I think that doing something that is just for you is SO important and makes the time you do have with your little one so much more amazing.
I know exactly how you feel. My struggle is that I have to work around my daughter. Sometimes I’m on a deadline and she’s at my elbow saying ‘play with me, mummy’ and it breaks my heart. I try to play for a while but it’s hard to ignore the nagging feeling about the job that needs to be done. Someone once told me to set a timer for play time and work time when I’m working at home, but that’s tough too. I try to tell myself that at least I’m present all day, even when I’m not able to spend the whole day playing. Mama guilt sucks.
Oh wow this was such an interesting read, especially for a teen like me haha.
I think all mamas get mama guilt for one reason or another. I have chosen to stay at home with our daughter and not put her into nursery, but she does get quite a lot of social interaction from the variety of playgroups, etc we go to. I’m happy with that decision and so its not a source of mama guilt for me. But I do get mama guilt about taking time to work on my blog!
I’m not a mum, but I can still totally relate to what you’re saying. I have ‘self care’ guilt. I work two jobs and often my mental health suffers as a result. It’s hard to strike the balance sometimes x
Zoe
I still have a couple of months to go before becoming a Mum (still sounds so weird!), but I already feel guilty for planning out my training plans ready for post-baby. People seem to want to judge me for deciding to continue running through my pregnancy and the judging then makes me feel guilty for wanting to continue doing something for me, when that shouldn’t be the case at all. I’ve been OKd by the midwife to continue running long distance as long as I feel it is still comfortable to do so, although I have chosen to stick to 5-6 miles most times. Running IS me, and I’m not ready to lose my identity just because I chose to also become a Mother.
I’d love the option to work from home if I had kids as you feel like you can spend so much time with them and not miss out on anything x
Aww I am sure this can be a really hard thing for Mum’s to have to over come 🙁 x
I can completely relate to this post. I’m currently a SAHM to my 3 year old, but this meant I didn’t get any time to myself and it’s hard as I also suffer with PND. She started nursery a few months ago (thankfully she loves going) and it gives me a bit of a break and I can juggle the cleaning and housework while doing things I enjoy, like blogging 🙂 x
Great post, well done you for sharing.
I think we all suffer from mum guilt now and then.
My little girlie started nursery really earlier at 2 years old, she was so worried first of all, and I felt SO guilty.
After a few months though, she’s so happy, her speech has developed so much, counting, everything.
It has honestly helped her in so many ways.
I think working from home doesn’t make the mommy guilt any easier as you still have to find time to do things and you feel guilty for not being engaged or always being on the lookout for ‘work time’. I read a quote that summed it up well ‘women are expected to work like they don’t have children and raise children like they don’t have to work.’
I agree that the mother seems to get more of the ‘guilt’ – when they really shouldn’t! It sounds like you’ve got a good balance going on x
I don’t think it is selfish at all and as you said it has made Aiden’s language skills come along far quicker and nursery is great for improving social skills.
Ahh, so well written. You look like such a gorgeous, happy family. I know the mama guilt so well, I think it’s all part of being a mum. Finding that balance is so hard, and a continuing struggle for me! x
This isn’t something I’ve had to deal with yet as I don’t have children yet but I imagine I’ll be the same – I need my own space, everyone does, and I don’t think it’s fair to expect that to change when someone becomes a parent! Fab post <3
I don’t think you should ever feel guilty for doing what is right for your family. I have four kids home 24/7 [we homeschool} and I work from home and no how hard it is.
I’ve been looking for a nursery fr my little man but I’m struggling with the thought of actually letting him go. I love him to bits but I need a bit of time to get some work done.
I think we’re way too hard on ourselves sometimes. Nurseries are there for a reason. Its smart to use their help!
I know exactly how you feel. I struggled when my younger two were small with following my dreams of getting a university degree. I sat there and breastfed and studied at the same time. It was so hard! I think it’s important to balance being a parent with being your own person too. I don’t think being a mother should be all us women are. We have dreams too and shouldn’t feel guilty about them. It sets a good example for the kids, I think, for them to see us fulfill our own dreams.
You are amazing , you are this beautiful mama and this amazing blogger and everything in between. Don’t be hard on yourself , nurseries are a good thing for both baby and mama
I don think people should ever think of themselves as selfish because they do something for them, life is too short to take opportunities for granted x
Mama guilt is the WORST! It is so hard to get through it though! H x
I am not a mum but this was an interesting read. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself xx
Not a mum but I always adore how mothers can actually do all their responsibilities. So nothing wrong with thinking yourself too as you could do better for the family and work if you are satisfied with yourself.
When I had my children I decided not to engage with parental guilt, even though most people seem to feel it’s inevitable. As long as you’re doing the best you can and learning from your mistakes there’s nothing to feel guilty about. People aren’t perfect, people are human.
I hear you! I am a single mum of four, and work for myself from home. I am constantly feeling guilty about what I am NOT doing – be it spending time with the children, or working, I am feeling guilty about the other! I need to stop, and be more mindful of what I am doing. Then I will fully enjoy the rest. Thank you. Kaz x
I struggled at the end of my maternity with guikt about whether to return to work. I ended up going back part time to a new job with more family friendly hours. I still feel guilty leaving him when Im working though but didn’t want to not work which I also thought was selfish on my part as well. It’s hard knowing what to do for the best x
I don’t have children right now but I do intend to be a stay at home mam when I do have them xxx
I think all working mothers go through the guilt. I know I certainly did. Thankfully it didn’t harm my daughters and they have grown up healthy, happy and well adjusted xx
I think you my friend are doing an amazing job raising Aiden and running your business. I am sure mummy guilt won’t stop anytime soon but you also need to be at your best to be the best for your family be with ambitions or yourself
Oh I get cat guilt if there is such a thing. At work all day and out in an evening and they look at you with disgust when you come homew!
Hahaha! Love that, cat guilt must be a thing!
it’s such a tricky balance isn’t it! And one I think so many struggle with, I don’t think anyone can say they don’t get mama guilt from time to time! x
Aw lovely post Jemma. And thats just it we are all different, there is nothing wrong with following your dreams and keeping your sanity. In fact if it makes you a better mum it is a win win situation. Good for you and even more so for writing about it. I am sure many can relate. I dont ever think we can stop the mama guilt! If you find out how please, let me know! x
Bless you petal, you are one strong and inspirational mama! And you are doing a wonderful job. I work full time and definitively feel the mama guilt quite a lot but at the end of the day, we’re all doing what’s best for our kids 🙂 x
Thank you lovely! I think all us mamas are doing the best we can. Mama guilt is a tough one to deal with though.