[Episode 98] Finding yourself after motherhood: who am I now?
Have you ever looked at your life since becoming a mum and thought, Who even am I anymore?
Because motherhood changes so much more than your daily routine. Your priorities change, your freedom looks different, your time is no longer entirely your own, and suddenly you’re responsible for another tiny human who seems to need you for approximately, everything.
Somewhere amongst looking after everyone else, you can find yourself wondering where you fit into it all.
This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, and it’s what I explore in the latest episode of my podcast, Reclaiming Mum. Because I think finding yourself after motherhood is something so many mums quietly struggle with, and yet we don’t always talk about it.
Can you lose yourself when you become a mum?
I think you can, but I also think we need to be careful about what we mean by “losing yourself”.
Becoming a mum doesn’t mean the old you has disappeared. There are still parts of you in there: the things you love, your personality, your sense of humour, your values, your interests, but motherhood can completely change the context in which you experience those things.
In those early years, especially, you can become so focused on feeding, nappies, school runs, bedtime, appointments, snacks, laundry, and everyone else’s needs that there isn’t much space left to think about your own. When you’re exhausted and in survival mode, finding time for yourself can feel completely impossible.
You might even reach a point where you think, I don’t even know what I like anymore. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know who I am outside of being a mum.
And if you’ve ever felt that way, you’re definitely not alone.
Missing your old life doesn’t mean you don’t love motherhood
This is something I really want to say because I think mums can feel so much guilt around it. You can absolutely love your children with your whole heart and still miss parts of your life before them.
You can be incredibly grateful to be a mum and still miss your freedom. You can adore your children and still want something that’s just for you. You can have a really lovely life and still find yourself thinking, Is this it for me?
All of those things can exist at the same time.
Sometimes there’s a real sense of grief around the woman you were before children. Maybe she had more freedom, more spontaneity, more time to see friends, go out, travel, exercise, read, work, or simply sit down without somebody immediately asking you for something. It’s completely understandable that you might miss her.
But I don’t think missing parts of your old life means you need to go back.
Motherhood changes your identity
One of the biggest things I wish we’d talk about more is how much motherhood changes your identity.
Becoming a mum isn’t just something you add to your existing identity. It can shift everything. Your priorities change, your values can change, your ambitions can change, and your boundaries can change. You might discover that things you once cared about don’t actually matter to you anymore, or realise that you’re no longer willing to tolerate certain things.
You might change career, start a business, become more protective of your time, and you might finally start making space for the things that bring you joy. You go on a journey of evolution.
And that’s why I really dislike the phrase “bounce back” when we talk about mums. How can you bounce back to who you were before motherhood after everything you’ve experienced?
You can’t. And actually, why should you?
Every season of motherhood can bring a new version of you
I talk about seasons of motherhood a lot because I think they’re such a useful way of understanding all of this. The woman you are with a newborn isn’t necessarily the same woman you are when your children are toddlers, and she’s not necessarily the same woman you are when they start school.
I’ve recently entered a completely new season myself. After 11 years of having a baby or toddler at home, my twins have started school, alongside my older two. Suddenly, there’s more space, and it’s exciting, but also a little bit terrifying.
When you’ve spent so many years being needed constantly, having more space can make you stop and think about what you actually want to do with it. And that can bring up all sorts of questions about identity: Who am I now? What do I want? What does this next chapter look like for me?
I think that’s completely normal. Every time one season closes, another one opens. And alongside our children’s changing needs, we change too.
So how do you find yourself again after motherhood?
You’re not the woman you were before you had children. You’ve changed. And I think the goal is less about going backwards and more about getting curious about who you are now.
What do you enjoy now? What matters to you? What have you outgrown? What do you want more of? What have you been putting off? What makes you feel like you?
You don’t have to answer all of these questions immediately, either. Sometimes it starts really small. Reading a book because you want to, rather than because someone else recommended it. Going for a walk because you want some quiet. Seeing a friend, going to Pilates, starting something you’ve always wanted to try, getting dressed in something that makes you feel good, or simply sitting down for ten minutes and asking yourself what you actually need.
These little moments might not magically transform your life, but they can remind you that you’re still in there.
You don’t need to become your old self
I’ve had four children, changed careers, I’ve built a business, become much better at saying no, I’ve learnt what matters to me and what really doesn’t, and I’ve become much more protective of my time and energy. And, of course, motherhood has changed me.
I’m not the woman I was before children, and I actually quite like the woman I’m becoming.
So perhaps finding yourself after motherhood isn’t about trying to get back to the old you. Maybe it’s about making space for the new you: the woman who’s been shaped by everything she’s experienced, who knows herself a little better, and who might want completely different things now.
The woman who is still a mum, but is also so much more than that.
Because you don’t need to become your old self, and you get to become someone new.
And I think that’s pretty exciting.
Listen to the latest episode of Reclaiming Mum
If you’ve been feeling a little lost in motherhood, wondering where you fit into your own life, or simply questioning what this next season means for you, I think you’ll really relate to this episode.
🎧 Listen to the Reclaiming MUM podcast on AppleiTunes or on Spotify.
And if overwhelm is something you’re struggling with at the moment, I’m also running my free From Overwhelmed to Clear workshop for mums on Thursday 15th October, from 12–1pm.
We’ll be looking at what’s really behind that feeling of overwhelm — not just adding another 27 things to your already very full to-do list!
Want a little more support, encouragement, and behind-the-scenes mum chaos? Find me on Instagram!
I share a mix of real-life mum moments, simple self-care tips, and little nuggets of coaching wisdom on my Instagram every day. Think behind-the-scenes of life with four spirited kids, practical ways to feel calmer, and gentle reminders to prioritise you without guilt. If you’d like a daily dose of inspiration, laughter, and encouragement for navigating this messy, beautiful mum life, come and join me over on Instagram. I’d love to connect with you there!
